Late night conversations around the campfire have always been my worst nightmare. As I listened to my friends talk about their boy crushes, I was never able to reciprocate; not honestly at least. I was hiding the truth about my own crushes. I believe honesty is the best policy. My family, friends, and even coaches have told me that although I appear to be an introvert, I can be a little bit too honest. Despite holding myself to this standard, I hid the most important truths about myself from my family and friends. 

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 I remember the day my church announced the progressive decision to allow gay marriage: my dad was furious about it. His single, disgusted comment of “this is ridiculous'' may have not sounded like much, but for me it was pivotal. At 12 years old, I realized I could never express my true feelings to the people I love the most. Understanding that I must be a secret member of the LGBTQ+ community in my conservative hometown made me feel isolated and disparaged. 

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 I have always cherished the relationships I have with my family and close friends, however my lie of omission haunted me. How could I be seen as living an authentic life while pretending to adhere to traditional views and values? Lacking a confidante, I took my problems to the only place that I felt comfortable: the internet. I found myself having deeply personal conversations on the Minecraft chat bar and Fortnite’s random player assignment, slowly becoming more and more comfortable coming out to complete strangers. I was using my anonymous life on-line as a sounding board, hoping to find the courage to share these conversations in my “real world.” 

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 The juxtaposition of being known as an “open book” yet hiding an authentic part of myself left me feeling like a fraud. Scared, but seeking honesty, I promised myself I would come out to my close friends if it came up in conversation. One night at a local restaurant, while chatting about celebrity crushes, I shared my real crushes. They were so casual about me being gay that it made me feel more normal, and a huge sense of relief. Telling the truth about my sexuality to friends restored the connection I had missed. However, I still did not have enough confidence and trust to be open about my sexuality to my own father. 

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 I found my first opportunity to be completely out during my National Student Leadership Conference in Washington D.C. My fellow students displayed more maturity, and a broader world view than I had ever experienced in my hometown. I was so comfortable with the camp community that by the end of the week, it was safe to say that everyone knew I was gay. I had my first real-life romance, tearing down some of the armor that I had constructed. 

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 Returning home, I faced my greatest fear. As my dad entered the kitchen to eat lunch, I nervously said, “Dad, there is something I need to tell you that I want to write about in my personal statement - I am gay.”  To my relief, without missing a beat, my dad enveloped me in a hug and told me how much he loves and supports me. My father does not agree with gay marriage yet understands that same sex love is real. I realize our difference of opinion is mild compared to prejudice I may face in the future, but his love gives me strength and hope to find a way to keep searching for common ground.

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Filled with increased confidence I look forward to living an authentic life. I will pursue academic challenges while being an active member of my college community and supporting my LGBTQ+ peers. No longer hiding, I am excited to share late night conversations in my dorm, finally feeling empowered to lead by example with complete honesty.